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She acts like summer and walks like rain;
24 February 2010 @ 01:11 am
I'm so sick of this shit, my mother is a fucking alcoholic who will not admit it to me or to herself.
I can't deal with her getting drunk every single night, i just want my mum. I'm only 16, i can't deal with this. I want my mum and she's not here. She's never here. She's told me countless times it's my fault. Some days i think it really is. I don't know what to do anymore, she won't admit to having a problem, so she's never going to get help. No one else in my family gives a shit, my brothers so far up his own fucking ass that he can't see a problem. And my dads always stoned.

I'm so sick of all of this, what am i supposed to do?

I don't have anyone to talk to, and the people that i've said something to either don't care, or don't think it's a problem. I actually have to hide the alcohol around the house so she doesn't drink herself stupid. 

I think this is my fault, i can't deal with this shit any more. She'd probably just be happier if i was dead. And i'm not being a stupid angsty teenager, i've been dealing with this since i was 12.

I just want my mum back,
She acts like summer and walks like rain;
Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?

Nothing much to report actually.  I've been off school sick the last 2 days.
Wow, i'm actually really boring.
Grey's anatomy tomorrow though :D
Which is about the most exciting part of my life atm.
Actually no, i'm going out drinking with friends on saturday, so that should be really good :)
I'm trying to live life as much as i can, but sometimes it's easier to just lay in bed and do nothing.

My mind's completely foggy and i'm having trouble thinking right now so maybe next time i post an entry it'll be a bit more entertaining.,'

but until then..

Current Music: Torch-Alanis Morissette
She acts like summer and walks like rain;

"I don't care what people say, the rush is worth the price i pay"

I've decided to start updating my journal again, yeah, hallelujah. At the moment i'm able to say life is pretty good. I'm back at school, which is actually going well for me for once in my life. I turned 16 last week. I hate feeling so young, i used to think i was really mature, that i knew about everything and everyone. I realise now that i'm not, i have about a million flaws, i lose my temper too easily, i try to hard, i love too easily & i have trouble trusting people.

And on the subject of love, ugh. It's probably the most horrible thing in the world, loving someone who doesn't feel the same way. But i've kind of given up on that, maybe nothing will happen, maybe something will. I'll wait.
She is fairly amazing though. And has this way of making me light up, and smile regardless of everything thats happening. I know its more than a crush, because i want her to be happy, so badly, even if it's not with me.

I don't really know what else to say, to be honest. I'm not one of those people that can talk about myself 24/7 and i don't think people are that interested in what i have to say. But this is mainly for me, a way to get everything out. Because god knows i can't do it in person, which is maybe where the trust issues come in.

I've stopped cutting. Well i'm trying. About 2 months now. The longest i've lasted is three months, so i'm going to see where i go with this. I just need to stop feeling completely worthless all the time. I just want to stop for everyone i know wants me to. Not nessecarily myself, which sounds completely horrible.

I'm actually completely fucked up in the way i think. But i guess everyone kind of is.

Current Music: Sara Bareilles-City
She acts like summer and walks like rain;
05 November 2008 @ 05:43 pm

I'm so fucking happy. & lol i cried :3